All I want to know is… the hell is the big deal? Settle down. People, you’re going to pop an embolismthe size of a balloon poodle tail. I’m talking aboutthe reaction to the six to three vote by the Supreme Court upholding an Indiana law that requires a person to show a photo ID in order to vote. And some folks are simply foaming with apoplexy. By the sound of their little fists pounding on various semi-solid surfaces,you’d a thunk they had just discovered that rhythmic clapping doesn’t really bring faeries back to life. So you got to show a government issued ID? So what? You’re voting. It’s a privilege. Earn it. You have to prove you’re registered in the district in which you are voting, don’t you?

I understand this means I’m throwing in with Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, signaling some sort of serious rift in the space-time continuum, but at least I have the solace of knowing that Justice Stevens is snuggling up with us in the ugly tent. He said, “for most voters, the inconvenience of gathering the required documents and posing for a photograph surely does not qualify as a substantial burden.” Obviously Justice Stevens doesn’t drive a lot these days, or he’d realize any time spent at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles is cruel and unusual. Maybe he’s saying the old and the poor have time to wait in line for anID. At 88, he should know.

For crum’s sake. You need a photo ID to cash a check.To buy beer. To rent porn. To board an airplane. To enter big downtown Federal buildings. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t be surprised to findout you need to show an ID to get into the very buildings that issue them. Which admittedly, is a tricky bit. I’ll be honest here: I hate having to show my ID And what I hate even more is the general attitude of the people requesting to see it. Usually it’s in a tone of aggressive entitlement like a distracted trust fund baby asking for the keys to her BMW with eyes down and palm up. But you know what? I do it. Why? Because I’m a brain-dead, arms-outstretched drooling zombie tool of the right wing? No, because I want to cash a check to buy some beer or board an airplane with a carry-on full of porn, that’s why.

What I most especially hate is when they take my license out of my hand and put it down for later consultation. Hey! Hey! Mr. or Mrs. clerk type person, here’s the deal. You want to see my ID? OK. Here’s my ID. Look at it. You don’t need to hold it or caress it or put it down on a napkin in the greasy spot where hunks of your Cinnabon with extra frosting still lurk. Not to mention, GERMS, Buddy. And let’s level the playing field here. If I show you mine, I want to see yours. How am I supposed to know you’re who you say you are. This should be mandatory at banks. “Yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll deposit my money with your lovely establishment, as soon as you show me two forms of ID and tell me your mother’s maiden name.”

Democrats, take heart. When our candidate is chosen (it appears it will be Obama), he will be well vetted and well hardened. I am a 66-year-old geezer who resents blatant ageism, but McCain is too old to be President. He has doddered on the Iran-Al Qaida issue several times and the sight of Senator Lieberman telling him what to say in his ear like Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy was not encouraging. He will make his share of mistakes in the campaign, and no doubt his temper will get him in trouble. The name and legacy of George Bush, Jr. will become a ubiquitous anchor for the retired naval officer. He believed in Bush and his policies and with few exceptions supported them.

While personal resentments between Clinton and Obama will not disappear, we have seen worse intra-party fighting for the nomination as during the Vietnam War, and it should be the candidate’s duty to support the nominee. Either Obama or Clinton may have to wait their turn, but they will not have another turn if they do not wholeheartedly support whoever is nominated. The Republicans have said vile things about each other, too, as in the case of the Karl Rove and co. assault on candidate McCain in 2000. So keep remembering that as the summer approaches and election nears, more eyes will be on Senator McCain and his record and much of the Democrats’ campaign vitriol will be forgotten.

But enough already! Elections that last four years are hazardous to everyone’s health and peace of mind, not to mention obscenely expensive. The commercials are designed to sell the candidates using precisely the same techniques that are used to sell Buicks. Truth is the stepchild. The end, victory, is seen as justifying the pettiness and the kowtowing to those with the money and agendas which are the means. As for the hundreds of millions that have been spent: think of all the after-school centers that could have been built in Iraq (to foster goodwill) and there would even be enough left over to add a tanning salon to the U.S. embassy to lure reluctant state Department employees to serve there. Perhaps the more vain among them would suppress their fear of living in an out of control war zone, as the dating scene in Baghdad has improved with the surge; an improvement that the left wing press seems reluctant to report.

As the race for the democratic nomination drags on even though the math clearly shows that Hillary Clinton has a bigger chance of getting hit in the head by a meteor than she does in winning the nomination (and as fun as that sounds, it’s just not going to happen) one thing is clear: the so-called “MSM” (I was disappointed to discover that it stands for “Main Stream Media,” and not “Macho Sado-Masochists,” as I had excitedly hoped) is horribly biased.

The media is not biased towards the left or the right, women or men, blacks or whites as so many have supposed, the media is biased toward one thing and one thing only:

We have got to keep this election soap opera running, because it’s worth good ad money.

So now that I’m blogging here on CNN and you can make the case that I’m part of the “Main Stream Media Vast Soap Opera Conspiracy,” I want to do my part in helping everyone to pretend that the contest isn’t over by expanding the scope of the contest.

That’s right people, it’s time for a First Lady Smackdown. Given all the excitement of Cindy McCain’s “Recipegate,” I am proposing the following:

Cathryn Michon’s First Lady Winner-Takes-All Cook-Off!

Whichever First Lady candidate whomps up the best home cooking wins a free four-year trip to the White House for her and her hubby. Period.

Just to set out the (completely unfair) ground rules, let me say this:

I know Bill Clinton is a man, but the job has always been “First Lady” and I see no reason to change that. For years in English classes I was told that male pronouns such as “he” or “him” can be considered gender neutral to avoid the awkward construction of having to write sentences like, “He or she should never lie under oath.”

Also, I know it seems like I’m changing the rules of the election midstream by saying the whole thing should be decided by a First Lady Cook-Off rather than the electoral college, but surely First Lady candidate Bill Clinton won’t mind that, since that’s what Hillary Clinton is proposing doing with Michigan and Florida.

Changing the rules is fun!

Now I know that First Lady hopeful Cindy McCain had that embarrassing gaffe where some stupid little intern (completely without Cindy’s knowledge!) posted recipes on the McCain Web site she just flat-out stole off the Food Channel.

When they show up at my contest, I bet First Lady wannabes Cindy and Bill will both have a good laugh at what useless idiots interns can be. You sure get what you pay for with free interns!

You see, I’m a uniter, not a divider.

Furthermore, my First Lady Cook Off will finally settle the question as to whether or not these Ivy League Obamas with their high-falutin-uppity-latte-sipping ways can act like true Americans that are actually proud of their country and cook and eat something, anything, that blue collar America can relate to.

If Michelle Obama can get off her high horse and whip up an artery clogging mac and cheese, it will go a long way toward answering the crucial question of the Obama campaign:

Are the Obama’s even tacky enough to be First Lady and President of the United States, or should they just go off and try and run France or some other snooty stuck up country?

Of course, the best thing about my First Lady Cook-Off is this:

Whichever of these lovely and talented gals manages to prepare the most scrumptious original recipe will know that her better half will be the leader of the free world and will have access to the CIA, the NSA, the Secret Service and the FBI. From the time they move into the White House, this new First Lady will be watched by the President’s unquestionably loyal monitoring network every living second of every 24-hour day. These First Ladies will be protected and observed and will have not a single private moment or clandestine conversation ever again.

Now why is First Lady hopeful Bill Clinton grabbing her mixing bowls and running away? Bill? Bill?

Obama mania is reaching a fever pitch online. A psychotic, frenzied, foaming-at-the-mouth fever pitch. Need proof? Check out this video.

Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die. You’d think that after six thrill-filled weeks of hosting this sideshow competition of rival ringmasters outdoing each other in the “Like A Normal Human Animal Act,” the state of Pennsylvania would selflessly provide the rest of the country with a semblance of closure by permanently pulling up the stakes of this traveling Big Top. But no. They got addicted to the sound of calliope music and don’t want the spectacle to end. Selfish bastards.

While we watched over their shoulders, the residents of the Keystone State had a front row bench seat view of the wacky, zany antics of two of America’s finest moral contortionists variously indulging in comedic bowling, throwing back shots with beers (performed a little too expertly, if you ask me) imagining sniper-fire dodging and receiving way more information about spiritual advisors than we needed. All the while we oohed and aaahed and shoveled handfuls of funnel cake into our mouths, then stood up to put on our coats ready to head home and pore over the handbill for the Circus Maximus about to parade into town. But while we were digging for our keys, PA wiped some peanut shells off the bench and sat back down.

All that was left was to light the ceremonial fuse to fire the shot that announced the ending of this historic freak show media encampment. But something happened. The human cannonball got stuck. Or the sword swallower sneezed. Or the clowns got lost in the basement of the car. Or they needed to reduce their inventory of corn dogs. Or maybe the problem was Hill and Bare themselves. Perhaps their prop masters didn’t trust them to execute the tightrope shootout which explains why instead of exploding, their guns just popped out sticks that said “Bang.”

Hillary Clinton didn’t win Pennsylvania, she survived. Long enough for another attempt to nail that elusive quadruple on the flying trapeze. But the net is gone and the clock is ticking. The Junior Senator from New York may have bested the Junior Senator from Illinois by nearly ten percentage points but at the rate she cut into his delegate lead, she’s on pace to overtake him sometime during the middle of his second term.

To the elders of the Democratic Party, this is Worst-Case Scenario City: harmless carnival attraction twists into a grisly horror movie in the middle of the final reel. The political variation of Saw V. Two people. Locked inside of a single country. Each with a war chest of souped up power tools. And this time, the electricity is on.

The answer to the double billing conundrum is obvious; Unfortunately, there are only two Democrats in America who aren’t salivating like trained dogs at the idea of the Obama and Clinton Dream Ticket and those two Democrats are Obama and Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain is free to stumble around the country frightening children.

So, go ahead, re- inflate those mylar balloons, but keep them out of reach of the candidates because at this point, their first inclination will be to strangle each other with them. And someone warn Indiana and North Carolina that the circus is coming to town, and the acrobats are brandishing chain saws.

Finally! A definitive recap of why Hillary won in the Keystone State.

The Pennsylvania primary is over and done with, and I for one am thrilled with how utterly inconclusive it was. In the previous 44 contests, the Democratic candidates were too focused on wooing voters via tactics like discussing how best to implement nationwide health care or proposing solutions to America’s mortgage crisis that don’t involve not doing anything. Nice try, Dems, but you know who else didn’t have health insurance or homes? Hobos. Yet they weathered the Great Depression just fine and became beloved comedic stereotypes in the process, despite all the efforts of FDR and railroad bulls.

Thankfully, Hillary Clinton has shown real leadership in the last few weeks by moving discourse away from the issues and toward the things that really matter, like the flaws of her opponent, Barack Obama. As a former First Lady, Hillary knows there’s more to being President than tirelessly working to improve the lives of millions. It doesn’t matter how many conflicts you mediate or by how much you increase the GDP, if you once served on the board of an anti-poverty group with a former member of a radical organization from the 1960s, then all bets are off. If that’s the kind of company Obama keeps, how do we know that if elected he won’t appoint Tommy Chong to the Supreme Court or put Wavy Gravy in charge of the Department of the Interior? Forget balancing the budget when Secretary Gravy is spending millions in taxpayer dollars on LSD-fueled, Lewis and Clark style expeditions… to the center of the mind, man.

And, if you’ll indulge a little more ’60s-style paranoia, is there any way to determine for sure that Barack Hussein Obama isn’t a Manchurian Candidate, sent here by one of the many extremist Muslim groups that hate our freedoms? I don’t think there is. After all, even Hillary said he’s only a Christian—as far as she knows—and she’s not one who refrains from sharing what she knows. Unless, of course, it’s something non-germane to running for President, like her White House phone logs.

This is why Hillary’s decision to sling smear Obama is so important. How else would we know about these all these little, yet important, things? We can’t rely on the media alone. With the backlash ABC received after the most recent debate, it’s very unlikely Obama will be getting any questions about why he doesn’t wear a flag pin anymore at next week’s face-off in North Carolina.

Now, some will say that this is all an act of desperation on Hillary’s part, and an unsuccessful one at that, seeing as her decision to campaign negatively corresponds to a precipitous drop in her expected margin of victory in the Pennsylvania primary. To those people I say, So? Smear tactics have been a part of American politics since angry Bostonians smeared hot tar all over the British harbormaster that tried to break up their Tea Party, an event graphically depicted in the HBO mini-series John Adams (Graphically depicted = full frontal male nudity. Got to get those Sex in the City viewers back somehow). All Hillary is doing is embracing tradition. Having a Presidential campaign without mudslinging, as Obama would have it, would be as un-American as not electing a rich white guy. Thankfully, if Hillary’s tactics pan out, that’s another tradition we’ll keep alive in 2008.

Posted By Antaeus, Brimstone Party Chairman of the Nine Circles Of Hell

Congratulations are in order. Although not because of her big win Tuesday night in the Pennsylvania primary. As every gleefully miserable, hunched-over contrarian with a wireless keyboard has already pointed out on their respective blogs, it’s still mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. Something about a lack of pledged delegates or whatever. I’m not really fluent in you Americans’ Byzantine form of democracy.

But I do know this: it appears that your precious, little junior Senator from Illinois is all but fated to get the nod. I’ve read your New York Times and your Washington Posts and they all say it’s simply a matter of time. And no amount of last-minute primary barnstorming in your North Carolinas and your Indianas can save Hillary’s quest to be the next “leader of the free world.” And that’s OK. In fact, that’s to be commended.

Because I’m here with a special message for Hillary: don’t abandon all hope, ye who enter… um… this blog. Because you do still have a chance… in Hell!

That’s right! On behalf of the Brimstone Party of the Nine Circles of Hell, I am overjoyed to announce the selection of Hillary Rodham Clinton as our official nominee for the head of the Executive Office of Infernal Affairs. The seat is up for grabs this November, and we believe Hillary would be a shoe-in.

Granted, it’s not the top post in Hell’s extensive cabinet. You-know-who has been there since Day One, and he ain’t stepping down anytime soon.

But it is a prominent position in the Executive branch and it comes with a fair share of prestige and responsibility that we believe is more than comparable to the office of President of the United States. As head of the E.O.I.A., Mrs. Clinton would oversee the conduct of no less than 500 quadrillion demons, devils, harpies, hellhounds, pitchfork pokers, hope devourers and other assorted misery makers. The behavior of each and every one of Beelzebub’s minions will come under her purview—a jurisdiction that spans every concentric nook from Limbo all the way down to the center of the Earth. And that’s not to mention the army of flaming cockroach tattletales she’ll be entrusted with to keep tabs on said minions.

So, let’s say a three-headed succubus in the Third Circle’s liver-gouging district has been slacking off and letting heretics there gasp for a single breath of oxygen once every couple of weeks. It will be Hillary’s job to know about this egregious slip in productivity and immediately correct it. Or perhaps a winged imp in the Seventh Circle isn’t properly scratching at the eyeballs of blashphemers as they writhe in agony for eternity. Who’s going to right that wrong? Satan himself? He’s got bigger fish to fry, especially with this new global warming initiative that’s taken off.

Now, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to mention some of the perks Mrs. Clinton would enjoy should she accept our nomination and win the office in November. For starters, there’s the money. Unlike the paltry sum she’d earn at the White House, we are prepared to pay her, really, whatever she wants. Satan being Satan and all, he can pretty much print U.S. currency out of his fingernails. And then of course there are the standard benefits enjoyed by all Executive Branch administrators: medical, prescription, vision and dental plans, retirement packages, time-share options on the River Styx. The usual.

Of course, accepting the nomination is only the first step for Hillary. There is the election to worry about. And apparently, the Fire Party has tapped Kenneth Lay for their pick. We understand he come highly credentialed with a letter of recommendation from the Grand Master of Terrestrial Evil himself, Dick Cheney.

But no matter. We’ll fight those battles when the time comes. For now, I must make sure that Hillary understands one thing and one thing only: she does still have a chance… in Hell! She doesn’t even have to die. We’ll take her as-is. Besides, she’s a politician, so she’s going to end up here eventually.

All she does have to do right now is give up running for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Because she doesn’t stand a chance of winning that one. Here or there.

What’s the story with Hillary Clinton toppling Barack Obama in the Pennsylvania primary? Larry Wachs gets the scoop.
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Are you sick of watching our country turn into a bunch of tax-paying, border-crossing, overeducated Pinkos ruining the American Dream? Does a lower back or glandular weight problem keep you from returning to your job? 



Need to express the outrage that our heroes on the radio command us to feel all day long? In case you’ve ever wondered what the deal is with all these bloggers who pop up on different political Web sites and  disrupt everything, well—they’re called Trolls. 



So, welcome to the wonderful world of Trolling! 



It’s fun and easy. “Easy” being the operative word here. Hey, who wants to actually work when you can stay in your Mom’s basement and type? 



Trolling is GREAT!



If you’ve got a penchant for spirited and witty repartee (or not) then trolling is for you. 



There are some basic requirements:


Cynicism:


Way important, to keep you on track towards the objective—that being, to get all those Progressives and Liberals off track and fighting amongst themselves. Remember how disappointed you were when you put a penny on the tracks and it didn’t derail the train, like you were promised? Well, this time you get to see how effective a derail you can create by throwing in your TWO CENTS! Honest interchange of ideas becomes a train wreck! It’s totally awesome! 


Conscience Control:


Whenever your gut starts lying to you, saying that what you’re doing is wrong, just remember that people basically suck. Hey, look at your own childhood if you need proof of that. Everyone else’s experience has to be basically the same, so you can rest assured you’re doing the right thing.


A Computer And Internet Service:


Being anonymous is essential. It’s just not that effective trolling in person.


FAQ’s:


Q: Do I need a College diploma?

A: Hell no! HISTORY CHANNEL, baby!


Q: Do I have to be a good and reasonable guy?

A: Nope. You just have to pretend you are. Study and copy others who have those weak traits. Don’t worry, it’s not forever. Just until we’re totally in charge of everything.


Q: What kind of handle should I choose?

A: I prefer something with a commanding tone, like idominateyou or iwin-youlose. It scares the opponent into respecting you. Topgunchucknorris24 is cool, because it contains your favorite movie, your favorite actor and your age. 


Sometimes it’s cool to show your knowledge of weaponry - sniperscope1 or killdagger. 


Crossherrman is awesome, but it’s already taken.  


Irony is a dangerous device. Like a Daisy Cutter, it can blow up on you as easily as on your opponent. But if you think you’re ready, you can do something clever like liberalhippyleftycommie69—just to dupe them into listening to your point. 


If you lean towards the smarter side of the pool, then handles like iamsensible, or welledgeicatedguy might just fit the bill. Try to steer clear of names like myrageisoutofcontrol, as those tend to put your credibility in question.


The great part is, you don’t have to keep just one handle. We can provide you with multiple lines out, so you can be several dudes at once! Some of you already are, anyway.


Q: What do I do if the Liberals gang up on me?

A: Don’t worry! We’ll send in back up re-enforcements with statements like, “I totally agree with you!” and, “You have a good point!” For some unexplainable reason, Libbies have power—the power to reach regular people. That’s why we attack their sites in what amounts to a sort of wolf-pack-raid. You’ll never be alone, except of course when you log off, or when your Mom goes shopping. 


Q: What if they get mean? Can I be mean right back? Can I “F” them up?

A: Here’s the secret: Nothing messes up a liberal up like posing as a “nice” or “friendly” person. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, but pretending to be one of those pacifists is fun. REALLY fun. Watch them freak out! Fooling others is the BOMB! People are stupid, and you get to prove it over and over all day long! For money!


Q: What if I don’t know something about the topic being discussed on the site?

A: Fear not, we supply you with ALL your opinions and the “facts” to back them up! You’ll never need to think up stuff again! It’s just like you live already, but with dental coverage!


Q: What if my opponent is smarter than me?

A: They all are, but that’s not the point. Smart is lame, anyhow. You just take whatever phrases they come up with, and throw them right back! If they say you are a troll, call them a troll. It confuses them, which is all we want. Like a hand grenade, toss it back before it goes off. The Romans never invented anything, they just took it by force! Look how long THEY lasted!


Q: What about Conspiracy Theorists? 

A: This is a more complicated issue. We have people on both sides of the political coin working on this one. Everything from UFOs to Kennedy to the Moon landing. All you need to know are a few key words and phrases to shame or shut down the opponent. 


The standard ones are:

Tin-Foil Hat

Little Green Men

Kool aid

Absurd

Typical

Preposterous

Ridiculous

Hilarious

“Real studies show that…”

“No tangible proof of…”

“Have yet to find one shred of evidence of…”

“The majority of REPUTABLE scientists say that…”


Another fun tactic is to make far-reaching and way-out comparisons to their assertions. 


Things like, “I suppose you’re also one of those guys who believes in Little Green Men.”


Be sure to demand that the opponent bring you reams of evidence, like a slave. (Links, articles—make ‘em work all night on it.) Then, just throw it all out and laugh at them anyway! It never fails! They all want to “teach” us, “help” us and bulls#*t like that. They all believe everyone’s inherently good inside—LOL! They’ve never seen the Scion “Deviants” ad, have they?


Q: Is God OK with me lying?

A: It’s not YOU who is lying. It’s only skullcrushfella19 who’s bending the truth, remember? God simply goes off your real name on a big printout sheet. Don’t go weak on us before we even get you started. God wants us to win, first and foremost.


The Left must be stopped at all costs, (except for OUR lefties, of course). You’ll be able to identify them by little clues, like them being allowed on TV. We SAY that the Mainstream Media is left-leaning, but those in the know—know better 


Now kneel thee, good sir knight, for thou art now in the company of kings. Kings Of The Keyboards! A grand tradition that dates back approximately four to five-and-a-half years. Our domain is all we survey, and goes as far as we can see. So put on your corrective glasses, your Carpal Tunnel braces and get into the game! It IS all just a game to us, you know.


Well, gott’a run—Hot Pocket’s ready. Mmm-Hmmm. Life is sweet under the bridge.