Retirement planning for mom and dad
Saving for your own retirement is tough enough. You don’t want to be taking care of mom and dad too. Help them plan their finances before they reach their golden years.
Question: My parents are in their 50’s and have meager retirement savings of $20,000 in CDs and stocks, plus home equity of approximately $40,000. They’ve said more than once that they view their children as their retirement. What can I do to help them take charge of their retirement - or am I doomed to finance it for them? —Steve, Wichita Falls, Texas
Answer: Back when we were an agrarian society, having children was a legitimate, common form of retirement planning. You raised your kids, they worked with you on the old homestead and it was understood that eventually your children would take care of you when you were no longer able to provide for yourself. It was part of the social contract.
But this model doesn’t work very well in today’s society, where kids are less likely to stay at home (although it may take them a while to leave) and parents and adult children alike put a higher premium on privacy and independence.
That’s not to say that people shouldn’t be willing to help their parents, if the situation demands. When I was growing up, my grandmother lived with our family in a small three-bedroom Philly rowhouse for many years, an arrangement that, despite being cramped, I remember quite fondly, although I know it also caused occasional strain between the adults in the house.
But the fact is that relying on one’s children for retirement just isn’t a very good way to plan - for the parents or the kids.
All of which is to say that I think you need to broach the subject of retirement planning with your parents - and do it as soon as possible so that both you and they have plenty of time to take action.
Of course, finances can be a touchy subject within families, and mom and dad might take offense at what they may see as meddling in their financial affairs.
But you’ve got an “in” here. Your parents have talked about how they see their children as retirement. So it seems to me it’s perfectly reasonable for you to draw them out about just what they mean by this. Do they see themselves living with your family after they retire? Do they think of you as someone they can go to for help now and then if they’re running low on cash or unexpected expenses pop up? Do they intend to give it a go on their own until their resources run dry and then come to you for support?
Once you’ve gotten them to be more specific about this vague notion of seeing their children as retirement, you could then talk about why this concept is really more of a last resort than a bona fide plan. You might start by explaining to your parents that it’s challenge enough today to save for your own retirement without simultaneously trying to put away enough money for someone else’s. The message you want to get across is that no matter how much you might like to help them later on, the reality is that you may not have the resources to do so.
Ultimately, your goal should be to try to get them to take responsibility for their own retirement - or at least more responsibility than you feel is the case now.
If you think your parents would be receptive, you might sit down at a computer with them and, armed with more details of their assets, liabilities and expenses, check out an online retirement calculator like our Retirement Planner or Fidelity’s Retirement Income Planner, to see where they stand.
Maybe if they see the consequences of their lack of planning - that is, just how little income they’ll be able to count on after retiring if they continue on their present course - they might be more receptive to planning more realistically. By running a couple of different scenarios on these calculators - ramping up their savings, postponing retirement, working part-time after they retire etc. - you can then show them how they can improve their prospects. You might also point them to an earlier column of mine that outlines specific strategies for people who are getting a late start on their retirement planning.
It wouldn’t surprise me, though, if going over your parents finances in detail would be uncomfortable for them and you. So you might be better off referring your parents to a financial planner willing to work on an hourly or flat-fee basis who can assess their situation and come up with a plan that makes sense given the number of years they have left before retiring. You might even consider paying all or a portion of the planner’s fee to make this option more palatable to them.
One more thing: If I take literally your comment that your parents see “their children” as their retirement plan, then that would mean you have one or more siblings. If that’s the case, you’ll probably want to get them in on this process as well, although you’ll have to make a judgment call as to how many of the kids should be directly involved in any discussions with your parents. You don’t want your parents to get the feeling that the kids are ganging up on them and, besides, the last thing you need is a bunch of people jabbering away with overlapping or conflicting advice.
How much you’ll actually be able to motivate your parents to better plan for retirement is hard to say. They may simply be unwilling or unable to change.
But the more you can get them to prepare now and over the next 10 years, the better off you’ll all be when they eventually retire.
To me this is a question about culture. Most Americans believe families raise individuals to be independent. That is the American dream if you will…picture the cowboy on the range who is the picture of self-sufficiency. Other cultures (especially Asian cultures) believe family is supposed to be dependent on one another. Of course there will be variations, but most sociology/psychology professionals will tell you whether or not one feels compelled to take in their older generation has alot to do with the culture one was raised in.
I’m half Italian-half Asian American. I have no delusions, nor do my siblings. The parents will end up with us eventually.
As an only child of loving and supportive parents, I don’t feel obligated to help my parents when they retire - I want to. They have been there for me through everything, why shouldn’t I return the favor? They have NO expectations of me helping them, and will protest when I do. But it’s something I feel is right to do. While I know I can’t bankrupt myself or take away from my own retirement (28 years old and already have quite a bit saved up), I will do what I can and help out with what I can. My parents are very financially responsible, barely any brief camping vacations, let alone world tours. They save all the money they can, but their meager salaries don’t allow them to put much away every month. While they were not able to pay for my college education, they gave me unconditional love and support (as well as some spare money when they had it). I know they’ll spend the money I give them wisely, taking care of necessary bills and auto repairs, keeping up to the lessons of financial responsibility that they passed on to me. The greatest gifts you can pass on to your own children are self-sufficiency and responsibilty.
What about what the Proverbs say that the parents are to save an inheritance for their children, not children saving for their parents, and if you don’t work, you don’t eat, and if you don’t save, you will have to continue to work when you are old. This is what my family believes, and it seems to be working.
Attn Dave from NY
I think that the whole question as submitted was way to scanty to be used in the column. I’m not sure where the idea of my keeping a “tally” comes from (after all we aren’t talking about me) But I’m trying to point out that we have no idea if the questioners parents actually could be saving more money ! For all I know this couple is laid off now, broke now over their heads now, and not in a postion to plan a retirement. That might have happened because they are poor, they are lazy, they are from another country and speak no english, they are sick, or they simply spend too much on HSN. I have no idea.
But Since there child isn’t interested in helping them with their finances, I don’t see why the parents should feel any obligation to discuss their finances with the the child.
I guess I just find it annoying the way the kid is going out of his way not out of concern for his parents but to proactivly head off any inconvinience for himself.
I am an immigrant from Russia and I also helped my parents to become US citizens, they do not have enough money (only SSI) and they live with my family, but they do have private room with private entrance/kitchen/bath.
Living with parents have both advantages and disadvantages, but they are happy being near me and this is what’s important. It is strange for me - to read all this correspondence about money. Love - this is what’s important. I love my parents, they love me and my son. Love is the answer, not the money.
My husband is from another country where the eldest son takes care of his parents. Being that I make considerably more than my husband and we live at the lifestyle I can afford, it has fallen upon my income to support his parents. I had a problem with this until his father passed away in April. I then realized that we do not have long enough with our parents, and if it was my father I would give him all I had.
If our culture would re-adopt the practice of taking care of the parents then it would not fall upon our government and then we wouldn’t have to complain about all of the social security being taken out of our paychecks!
What’s bothering me the most about these comments is the same sentence: “If parents failed to plan…” Not everyone can save much in the first place.
My mother is a single mother and she has worked her butt off, living paycheck to paycheck, to give my brother and I the best opportunities. Do you really think she made enough money to save? Or even had the kind of jobs that offered 401k plans? Of course not. She has a little saved up for herself but it’s not nearly enough. But after all the sacrifices she made, why wouldn’t we turn around and help her out in her golden years? What am I going to say? “Geez, Mom, you would be better off if you didn’t put me in piano lessons when I was eight. How could you?”
Good answers (as usual) by the resident expert. Lots of great comments. I believe in my own situation and in the original question, some review of the parent’s spending habits and decisions is necessary. My parents and my one in-law have not necessarily made good financial decisions. In some cases they have made these decisions even after asking for and then disregarding my and my husband’s advice. All 3 work and work hard. But I have trouble accepting responsibility for their retirements when, from watching them, I’ve learned so much more of what not to do, than what good habits look like. To complicate matters my parents are long divorced and my mother-in-law (a widow) has never been able to re-marry. So my husband and I are looking at 3 households that could potentially need help. I can tell you though, all 3 of these parents regularly get new cars and I’ve never had a new car in my life. My husband has only had one, when he was 23 years old and he learned his lesson. Our 3 parents just never seem to wise up and the car issue is just one of many examples. We have a 7 figure net worth and I would not turn my life upside down or imperil my own retirement for any of them. Would I offer assistance? Sure. But assistance would have strings attached, like freezing their credit so they can’t open any new charge cards. Assistance would also dictate that they are on an 8 to 10 year plan for each car, which is what my husband and I do. It may sound callous to many of you, but there is a reason why my husband and I have money and it has to do with sacrifice and living on less than we make year after year after year…. And anyone who receives household assistance from us will have to demonstrate that they are running an efficient household.
While I feel compassionate to my parents and my wife’s parents, and I would do as much as possible for all of them equally, I do not feel it is right to provide my in-laws complete room, board, medical, and spending money just because they have chosen to come to America to be with their children.
My wife, being Chinese, feels traditional Chinese cultural obligations to support her parents into their retirement years. That’s fine, except one thing: they have a home that’s paid for in China, get Social Security benefits and medical benefits from the Chinese goverment, etc. and can walk to most places they need to go within a couple blocks of their home in China.
So how is it right to pay for them to come here, provide all the things that they do not qualify for here (medical, housing, room, board, food, spending money, etc.) just so they can come here to be with their two children?
They can’t even speak the language here, yet alone find themselves a simple job at Walmart greeting people. They can’t socialize here with anyone because they don’t speak the langauge. Yet my wife feels compelled to support them ‘HERE’, provide a nice life for them, medical provisions, etc., and my wife doesn’t even work.
Basically everything falls on me. Now that I’m in my 50s and have only been married to my wife for a few years, this doesn’t seem fair to me.
Not all parents deserve to be taken care of by their children. My brother and his wife gave birth to their children but left the parental role up to other family members. Even medical care was not provided by them because it was too costly and would reduce his take-home paycheck! When one child needed dental care for having 11 cavities, guess who did not pay? She still needs braces but that will have to wait for now. Why have children if you are going to abdicate their responsibility to someone else? Trust me, in years to come, they will be holding out their hands for help from these kids who they did not provide for. To say that I am livid is an understatement!
As the only child of recent retirees, I would be happy to financially assist my parents in any way possible b/c they did so much for me over the years (ie. besides being all around good parents, they also assisted me w/ college costs and the down payment on my house). However, if I was the author of this question, I would be quite angry with my parents if they blew most of the money they earned during their working careers and just presumed that their child(ren) should be the one(s) to fund their retirements. This person’s parents need a big, heaping dose of INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY, and they need to learn to take care of themselves to the best of their abilities. Adult children are not piggy banks.
This is Jay again. AS these posts have gone on we have seen cooler heads prevail. I think the one thing we can take away is that each individual situation is different and that there is a hige gap between laziness and dire need. Hopefully this article has spawned enough of us to reflect on our own situation and prepare accordingly. For the record I will never ask my children to support me, they have been told to throw me in the County Nursing home if it should ever come to pass.
I am all for helping support my mother-in-law and father-in-law during retirement. My problem is my wife’s sisters. While living without financial cushion, they hit up their folks for money that is hard for them to spare. Then my wife and I have to help the parents because they’ve helped my sisters-in-law. So we’re indirectly supporting the sisters I guess, in a socialist family system: “To each according to his need, from each according to his abilities”.
With most things in life, there is a balance that can be struck. The world has a wonderful checks & balances system already built in. Living to excess today, you will pay a lot later. Make some sacrifices ealry - odds are you are better prepared later. That simple.
Helping your parents out when needed is hardly a burden. While it should never be seen as a mandatory obligation, you would hope that sons and daughters ‘want’ to help out and not see their assistance as a burden.
I think what makes this topic so touchy from other financial discussion posts; the relationships between parents and their children. For those with good relationships - of course they would assist. Bad relationships - no way they would help even if they have the means (which is unfortunate).
the job of a parent is to raise a responsible adult. responsible means able to take care of oneself. barring some dire circumstance, you should not only fund your own retirement, but pass on money to your kids/grandkids. very few families build true wealth in one generation. too often parents spend everything, be it on themselves or on their kids. responsibility is about choices and too many people are choosing to be irrational.
I’m having to support 3 kids (all in their 20’s) and 2 grandkids with no real end in site. I guess I have “made the bed so I’ll sleep in it”. We give to our kids because we love them and want the best for them and we have to do this without expectation of anything in return other than their love. If at some point it becomes an abusive situation with one of them I will have to recognize this and cut that one off. I have to hope that my life and actions are an example and that if I need help as I age they will be there for me if they can. What else is there to say?
Sound financial planning always involves protecting one’s store of value and “saving” one’s hard earned money for a future rainy day.
That rainy day is upon us.
Tell your parents to take everything they own out of the banks and diversify that into the true holder of value, gold and silver.
Gold and Silver have shown to be protectors of value for over 4500 years and the reason that that is so is because there is no counter-party risk. No one “defaults” on your own physical storage of gold.
The rescue of housing giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae basically make every US taxpayer a “counterparty” to the banks’ bad lending. Sub-prime’s fault you say? Then how come alot of foreclosures are now what is termed “Prime”? See, by passing the FNM and FRE bailout, we just drove the last nail into the coffin of the US dollar.
This comment is not false, misleading, or anything and I think it is crucial for people to realize the true ramifications of the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac bailout.
hi there! Mine is the reverse scenario. When I was growing up, my grandparents supported my mom & dad.
Unfortunately, my parents was not able to provide the same consistency. Right now, I’m introducing personal finance to them so they’ll have a chance to have a comfortable retirement.
As for my family, my wife and I are saving and investing a lot so we could fund our own retirement and support our kid (same with what grandparents did). I guess the only thing different with us and our kid is that we plan to teach her personal finance at an early stage.
The actual bailout (ie the physical transfer of money from the account of the US onto the balance sheets of FRE and FNM) is not the same as the voted on bill that just passed. Just wait until the Fed “prints” all that money out of thin air and dilutes the money supply to then purchase those shares of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to prop up their balance sheets. You think 5.5% unemployment is bad and “core” inflation is only 5.5%? Wait until the money supply gets diluted 50% and watch the upward death spiral of prices begin.
We’ll all be lucky to get out of this alive.
Tell your parents to take their money out of the bank and invest it in the only true currency, gold and silver. Physical gold and silver. The true, 4500 year history proven store of value (thats what money is after all). All the banks are practically insolvent due to the mortgage meltdown (a la the Great Depression), except this time the Fed Reserve is hell bent on destroying your parents savings by diluting their savings so bad, that it will cost them 40,000 to buy a cup of coffee.
So tell them to take their money out of the banks before the banks finally steal it for good. Invest it in gold and silver, as there are *NO* counter-party risks. Were all about to be a counterparty to all the failed mortgages around the country thanks to the taxpayer funded bailout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (that we all know will happen).
I’m living this now. My mother was a homemaker. She had odd jobs, but she saw her primary job as raising her kids. She was from a generation of women whose husbands took care of the money, while the wives ran the home. Frankly, enough of her contemporaties were abandoned by their husbands that she should have known better. When my parents seperated 15 years ago, we ended up losing our house.
My husband and I are financially secure, I’m starting a new career, and we’re planning to buy a house and start a family soon. Mom is retired, with no savings, a small pension, and bad health insurance. Since she and Dad are still technically married (thanks to their religous beliefs), she doesn’t qualify for medicaid or most services for indigent elderly.
Mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. She lives in an exurb with no car. I live a hour away. I’ve had to take time off from my current job and change my job search plans (it’s hard to find anything in my field here).
I know I owe my mother a lot for the sacrifices she made to raise me, but I was raised not to be a burden on others. I feel like I’m being asked to pay for my mother’s refusal to plan for the future without a spouse. My worst fear growing up was that I would have to support my mother. That fear is coming true.
“I’m only seeing one side here. Possibly the reason Mom and Dad have so little moneu saved up is because they spend it all on raising their kids, paying for their sports and straightening their teeth.”
Parents are obligated to spend money to raise their kids — this is “sacrifice”, it’s the bare minimum requirements of decent parents.
Some people think it’s “sick” that people won’t support their parents in retirement — I think it’s sick that they seem to look at childrearing costs as some bill that comes due when the parents turn 65.
Thank you Mr. Undergrave for answering my question.
My parents did not pay for my education or my brother’s. We financed our own with Pell Grants and Stafford Loans. In fact I’m 11 years out from college, and I just finished paying the last of my Sallie Mae Loans. My parent’s made sure there was food on the table and medical attention when we became sick. Outside of that, nothing, not a dime spent on education, sports, or braces. I will be helping my parent’s in retirement, I’ve already decided that, but I want them to do as much as possible for themselves NOW, rather than having my brother and I carry the load later.
I have about $500,000 in savings for retirement, depending on how the stock market is on any given day. I should have about twice that, but events since 9/11 have devastated my bottom line. My husband and I took care of both of our fathers for a period of time as they aged, and it caused a lot of family problems that were slow to heal. I have told my kids to toss me in a nursing home. I don’t want to wreck their families. I just hope my savings will be enough.
It seems to me that a little tolerance and willingness to view each family situation as a separate entity would go a long way. Some families have a history of mutual support, with the parents taking care of their parents, and bringing up their kids with the mutual understanding that one day the kids will do the same for them. Some families were more individual-driven, with each person understood to be responsible for him or herself (think husband and wife, married for 35 years with children, each having their own checking and savings accounts). Then there are the multitudes who fall somewhere in between these two extremes.
No one answer is going to be right for all these different families.
Parents take care of their children because 1) they made a choice to bring them into the world, and 2) there is absolutely no way a child can take care of him or herself. They would literally die without a parent or guardian to look after them. The parents have a legal and moral responsibility to their children. There’s really no choice about it; take care of your kids, or face the consequences.
Adult offspring, however, have a choice. Their parents had 45 or more years to work and save and invest and prepare themselves for retirement. The fact is, people who choose not to do anything about retirement beyond relying on their offspring to support them are taking a huge leap of faith. In our culture, adult offspring have neither a moral nor a legal obligation to financially support their parents.
It would be nice if parents always took proper care of children, and the loving and grateful children always reciprocated by taking care of their parents in their “golden years.” This perfect world, however, doesn’t exist. It’s best to do everything you possibly can to take care of yourself, then look upon any kindness visited upon you, by your kids or anyone else, as a bonus.
People (i.e., all adults) are totally responsible for their own actions and decisions. Parents are totally responsible for their children until they’re adults. Children are responsible to honor their parents including (to the best of their ability) not letting them starve or live homelessly. That doesn’t mean beint obligated to fund their golden years; unless they want to.
I personally think your parents are just using that line as a joke to avoid the subject of their own (lack of) planning. Evolutionarily, we support our kids because we want to maximize their income and well-being so THEY can have more kids, and their kids can have more kids, etc. Our parents don’t work so we can support them later - they work so we can support their grandkids later. Tell them that’s how you’ll repay them.
As with many here, I have dealt with this issue with my parents. I think the experts advice just isn’t that practical. Your parents didn’t develop these habits overnight and they aren’t going to change overnight either. Telling them that they need to change everything and start saving so that you don’t have to pay for them in retirement, in essence lecturing them, is not going to work. That approach comes off pretty selfish because it is. Your parents will shut you out. However, if you approach it from the standpoint that you want to see them be able to do all the things in retirement that they do now you will probably have more luck(which is how you should be thinking anyway). I had this conversation with my parents about two years ago and I finally got them investing regularly about a month ago. Are they going to be ultimately where they need to be to be totally self-sufficient in retirement? My parents are in their late 50s so probably not, but every little bit saved helps.
Real families help each other out in time of need - no matter whose fault it is for how the need arose.
I’m in this situation now, but it doesn’t bother me too much. My wife and I are fortunate in that we both have stable careers and make a pretty good living. My mother in law is currently retired and living off of social security and what we pay her to watch our infant son. Her husband died 9 years ago and left her a huge amount in life insurance, but when her investments went south she just continued to keep drawing the same amount to maintain her spending habits that she had when she was a part of a two-income household.
9 years later, that money is all gone and she’s having to adjust. I don’t mind helping our parents if they’re having problems, but they can’t expect to maintain an irresponsible lifestyle off of my and my wife’s hard work.
Bottom Line: Make sure you can meet your own “realistic” goals for retirement and your life, then help your parents
WOW! For the complainers — be thankful you have parents! My parents died when my husband and I were in our 20’s and his parents when we were in our mid-40’s. They helped us SO much to get our lives started. We would give back all the inheritance and more just to have them back! We are now starting our 50’s with two great kids. We have put one through college and the other will start in a couple of weeks. We want to help them like our parents helped us. Hopefully we will be around longer than our parents. And, if we need their help, I hope they would gladly offer it. We have been and will continue to save for retirement — but things happen.
Maybe some of your parents tell you their broke for a reason. Children seem to have a keen sense of smell when it comes to money!
Children are an investment like everything. My parents were great to me and spent lots of time and money on me while growing up. They funded my education and were supportive of 90% of the tings I do. Because they supported me and gave me most things I needed and was unable to gather myself I will try to return the favor.
If the parent was a crapy parent or from the parents point of view has crapy kids. Then the investment you made in your children was poor and you are gaining the pay out now. Calling your children “Brats” is not a good answer you should say you invested to little to get a quality result on your investment.
Before my mother died, she wanted to retire. I asked her what her plan was, and she was like I’m quitting. I told her, that I didnt think her pension would cover her expectations for retirement and that she should get a part time job. She refused. if she didnt pass, I would have been responsible for her retirement, and I would not have been pleased. Why? Not because my mother did’nt deserve help, but because she would not listen to ANY OF MY RECOMMENDATIONS. She over paid for everything from insurance to phone service. I told her I could save her like $400/month, and she refused to do anything. So would it have been my fault that she was not ready for retirement because she refused to work and refused to save?
Now my father and her were seperated for 23 yrs, and he got her pension when she retired. It comes to me, and I pay all of his bills, then give him the balance. But everyday I hear him complain about “his money”, and not being able to handle his money. He was homeless and was/is still on drugs and alcohol. If he got his pension, he would spend it on both and I would still be responsible for his living expenses.
I will NEVER do this to my children. I have three and I have 5 jobs, and pay for their private school, invest in a 529, and save for me and my wife’s retirment. The only thing I expect from my children is their love, respect, and to take me to the store when I can’t drive anymore. Other than that, I will take care of my self. But I do expect my son’s to take care of the mother is something were to happen to me.
This is a constant source of frustration for me. My in-laws are close to 60 and have no money for retirement. They talk all the time about all of us buying a house together and sharing the bills, but what happens in a couple of years when my spouse and I can afford our own home and we are stuck with them forever. Not to sound completely rude, but they should have had a better plan or any kind of plan.
Relying on your kids for your retirement is a bad idea.
1) you may well outlive your children.
2) your kids may not make much money
3) Do you really want to live on the standard that your children can provide?
4) Are you going to give up your independence to live under the financial scrutiny of your kids?
From a fairness stand point, this is really a “pay if forward” model. You pay your parents back by doing for your kids.
It’s clear that people have very different ideas about the role of parents and children.
But the logic of those who insist taking care of parents is a responsibility, who call everyone else selfish, is flawed.
Parents don’t make sacrifices for their children. I know it sounds all romantic to describe it that way, but the truth is they fulfill obligations. To say that “maybe they don’t have savings because they spent so much on their children” is pointless. If you can’t raise your children AND provide for your own future, then maybe you shouldn’t have had 4 or 5 kids.
My parents never earned a lot of money, but that never stopped them from making a constant stream of irrational decisions with the money they did have. Even though they’ve taken a considerable amount of cash from me in recent years, whenever I call–they’re not home, they’re going here and there getting this or that–all on a whim. Here I am consolidating my car trips to save gas. They have satellite, I watch 5 channels on my antennae.
Should I give and give until I’m like them? Living hand-to-mouth? Drawing on disability and unemployement until the money runs dry?
Just because they can’t be responsible, does not mean I have to be condemned to the same lifestyle. And I love my fiance too much to condemn him to it. The well is dry.
My widowed mother had some life insurance, my fathers pension reduced to a survivors portion and she receives soc sec. Her modest home paid off, should be enough. But my sibling and spouse are running to her and spouses parents for all their emergencies i.e. overdue phone bill, kids orthodontia, prom dresses, etc.. About 5 years ago their business went bust and it went into serious money. Siblings spouses parents (in 80’s) took out a loan against their home to help these 50 year old children. They have a little over 50k saved for their own retirement with no pensions, just soc sec. They have 22 years left on their McMansion, have a fairly new Harley, travel trailer, pickup and car. They take cruises to Mexico, etc.. And to my knowledge have not paid back my mom one cent. She has hinted twice to me she is worried now about her finances. My wife and I have been frugal, live in our first home, drive modest cars , each of us have a pension, 6 figure IRA paid off house and will be getting soc sec. My mom has never offered me any financial gift even when I had a serious health event 10 years ago, she thinks because we are childless we are rolling in money. She doesn’t know the taxes I pay. I am really wondering what to do when she needs my help for real. I have thought I will just have her utility bills sent to me and possibly her property taxes. I love my sibling but will not augment their income.
My in-laws live way better than we do. They have saved NOTHING for retirement. My father-in-law works 2 jobs just to pay current bills, and he is 63 years old. I have tried telling them over the years, they need to save Something. Oh, and they did not raise my wife when she was a child. Grandmother did all the raising. I feel Zero responsibility to fund their retirement. I have my own family to take care of.
Lots of self righteous indignation, here. Trying to make the correct decision is not easy, even if the parents HAVE planned. Bringing parents into one’s home can cause a dependency and underlying loss of dignity for them that might not exist if they could remain independent. Truth be told, there’s something lost and something gained. Figuring out how much of each is the daunting challenge of our lives right now.
Based on the comments I’m seeing, I think we have several camps - ones who feel that the parents are on their own no matter what, ones who feel that parents needs to be cared for no matter what, and ones who feel that their parents have a responsibility to prepare for their own retirement, but would be willing to help them out. I fall in this middle category. I’m lucky - my parents have always tried to prepare financially for retirement. I know things may happen that could cause a problem (lengthy illness, disability, etc.), and I would help out in cases like that without strings. On the other hand, if they were making irresponsible decisions (spending money they didn’t have, spending all money they had on fashionable goods rather than buying some generics and saving), I’d have a different perspective. In a case like that, if it was a choice between having them destitute or helping them out, I’d help, but with strings. At that point they would probably have to move in with us, or live nearby, and they would live under the same financial rules as my kids since they would have proven that they can’t handle their financial choices on their own. They are my parents; I love them and want to make sure they don’t suffer. Equally, I don’t feel that I have to provide them money blindly any more than I would give large amounts of money to my children and just let them spend it. Hopefully I will never need to face this situation though!
My parents have some retirement savings but haven’t really given much thought to how much they need or are going to receive month-to-month. My dad is planning to retire in 1 year but they have ‘no idea’ how much they will be getting in retirement and just ‘expect’ it will be enough to cover their bills month-to-month. Thankfully they have their home paid off, and they’re also expecting a modest inheritance from my grandmother one day but I’m still concerned.
Like Emily, I have a sibling who, at the age of 32, is not standing on her own two feet and constantly goes to my parents for money as if she’s still 14. I would be willing to help my parents financially but I seriously balk at the idea because they are funneling money to sister for her drinking, partying, and general irresponsiblity PLUS they refuse to take advice I give them on how to save money and get their finances in order. I’m an accountant and am in a position to help but when I give them advice I’m ignored.
The whole parent-retirement situation is one source of stress in my life that’s going to play out over the next few years.
I see a lot of comparisions here with Asian culture - this is not just an Asian cultural phenomenon. Any immigrant family coming to America behaves the same way. I remember Italian, German, Ukranian grandparents of friends living with their family. I am now married into an Eastern European family. Our friend’s parents come to American with a sense of entitlement to his money and property - causing a lot of tension with his wife as they can not afford the same level of generosity that his parents expect from their “rich American son”.
The issue here isn’t how much/little Americans value their parents. Our society expects each member to contribute and not become a “burden” on society or others. Our society expects each person to be responsible for their own happiness, finances etc. Looking beyond the parent question, look at the stigma to anyone on welfare or other assistance programs. While these are considering helping hands for those in true need, anyone using these programs will tell you of the abuse and embarrassment at times in using these services. Because they are taking government money, often times they are called “freeloaders”. There are very good people who use these programs, including our senior citizens. But our culture looks down on anyone requiring assistances whether it comes from your children, extended family, church or government.
While I can certainly understand everyone’s interest in having an ethical debate on this issue, there is a very clear bottom line.
If parents provide for children (during their childhood) and for themselves in retirement, it is much more likely that their children will be able to provide for themselves in retirement. This pattern is much more sustainable and more likely to insure everyone’s quality of life, which is the entire goal of retirement saving.
I remember that my father and his five siblings each sent about $100 each month to my grandmother until her death 25 years ago. Although my parents are now retired and have savings, I wouldn’t hesitate for a minute to make sure they had a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. I think if more people took responsiblity for themselves and their loved ones, we would all be better off.
I am grateful that my mother does her best to save her money, even in retirement when she has only a small pension. She does make every effort to be financially responsible. I confess she did sort of rob Peter to pay Paul to do it, though; she wouldn’t put me through college, most of my clothes were hand me downs, and not a lot of money was ever spent on me.
I think you just do what you have to do to survive. Because I couldn’t go to college, I can’t help her as much as I could have otherwise. My heart is with her though, and I try to meet her needs every way that I can.
it all depends on the situation.. if you can afford to help your parents, by all means do it !!! they are in fact there when you needed the help. like what you said, they are only responsible until you are 18, but if they had to borrow money for you to go to college, to have a reliable job in the future, then i think it is also your responsibility to make sure they are taken care off when they are in need. but, if you have a parent, my in-laws in my case, who is very dependent and always asking for help, to help their other children, then that is a different story. i have in-laws who are spending money on birthday parties and private schools for kindergarten !!! for god’s sakes, no matter where you want to put your children to school if they are appreciative of what you are doing to them they are going to do better at school. i just don’t find it our obligation to support and provide just so their other grandchildren can have a better life. we have our own children to think of and our own retirement to save for. some people just don’t think about their finances until the last minute and that they are already drowning and pulling you down with them.
My parents worked hard, raised four kids, and saved for their future. I was fortunate to be sent off into the world with a BA, a used car and no debt. A great start and one I am planning to give my own kids. We pay it forward in my family. My Mom is unlikely to need the financial help of her kids, but if she did — we would be there for her. If she needed to move in with one of us, I’d have a room ready. I would consider it a privilege, not a burden.
As for the “you kids are my retirement” line, I’d suggest treating it like a joke. Just chuckle, roll your eyes, and say “well, just let me know when I need to clean out the guest room”. Because frankly, it doesn’t cost much to clean out a spare room, old people don’t eat much, and social security and Medicare should be able to cover their cash expenses once housing and food are covered.
So it is definitely a cultural difference. My parents have money saved up for retirement but I still have enough love and respect for my parents that if anything does happen to that financial security I would happily take them in. I’m first generation born in the US and my parents worked damn hard to get where they are now and provide as much as they did for my sister and I. Why wouldn’t I want to help them out if needed it?
I love all the whining below.
This article does not tell children how to assist their parents in retirement. It tells them to talk to ther parents about it.
The problem here is possible different assumptions. The solution is communication. Now everyone get off your soapboxes.
I can appreciate the posters fromIndia, China, and elsewhere who are gently lecturing the native born Americans about cultural differences.
But please remember that the USA has had about 3 or 4 generations of relative affluence in a row. Once India and China have 50-60 years of a real middle class, I’m going to guess that things will be different then what you describe now
We are in a similar situation to Fed Up in Michigan, only in our case the situation is reversed. Our oldest son and especially his wife have a sense of entitlement. They have just tried to downsize yet again because they bought more house than they could afford in early 2006, but this time they were not able to sell and have had to rent it out. This is the third time in 10 years they are faced with such a situation and we see foreclosure as a heartbreaking consequence of their financial imprudence. We are in our sixties and my husband and I have always worked hard and still do to provide well for our children and ourselves. We refuse to jeopardize our retirement and the perks we have dreamed and planned for (travel, cruises, etc.) to bail them out this time, and our daughter in law refuses to talk to us. She has also consistently found reasons not to work to support her very indulgent lifestyle which includes daycare, babysitters, and full time camps for our grandchildren. In all cases family members are being burdened with unrealistic expectations from another generation. It is apparent that the US is on the brink of economic devastation due to the borrowing and spending habits of many of its citizens, both young and old.
“Am I doomed to finance it for them?”–wow, what a slap in the face! Not to mention the “advice” given in answer.
I am in my mid-30s with parents in their mid- to late-60s, and while I have had my fair share of problems with them, I consider it my duty to provide for them in their old age, as they provided for me in my childhood. Yes, in the East Asian tradition, parents consider their children to be their “retirement plan”, which involves moving in with their eldest son. This was the expectation they had throughout their adulthood, and they set an example in the way they provided for their own parents. While some adaptations are made for life in the U.S.–for example, financial support instead of moving in with a child, I think this is fair. This expectation has been implied rather than explicit, but I have never had a problem with it.
My parents did not provide just the basics of food, clothing, and shelter; they worked very hard, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, to make sure we had good food and a good education. I had long thought that a modest sum from each of their four children–say, $200 per month–in addition to their Social Security and a small pension, would be enough to make my parents comfortable. They have no savings, but they have always lived modestly. They do not expect me to finance luxuries like annual cruises or lavish vacation homes for them in their retirement–just enough for reasonable comfort, rest, and a little enjoyment.
The only problem, frankly, is that two of my siblings have so far been unable to support themselves as adults, much less anyone else, so I do not know if things will work out this way. I have told my mother many times that she is welcome to move in with me if she should want to. I have also told her that I will be happy to send her money every month when they retire, as long as they stop sending money to my mooching siblings, since my duty is to my parents and not to my irresponsible brother and sister.
We never thought that the funds my parents gave to their parents took anything away from our household. Quite the contrary! We were happy to send them the money every month if it meant that my father’s mother did not have to live with us, as she and my mother fought constantly. This does not have to mean taking from one generation to support another. My parents did the right thing by their parents, and the right thing by their children. If any sacrifices were made, it was in “toys” for themselves.
Although I do not have children, I would not expect them to fund my own retirement. I also do not expect to collect any Social Security benefits, and plan to fund my retirement entirely by myself.
OMG! This talk of entitlement whether providing for your parents or your parents responsibility taking care of you while young is ridiculous.
If a child is brought into this world, it should be because of love or a spiritual reason. Not because it is intended as a “retirement plan”.
Conversely children should honor and love their parents. Living is hard enough without people keeping score.
My wife and I believe that we should not be a burden on our children as we know that they will have their own children to take care of. It is the cycle of life. Even though our oldest is out of the house and married, we still want him to be happy and help him and our daughter-in-law as much as we can.
As we get to the point where we need help, I hope my children will be able to provide for us. I know that if it is possible they will.
My story is exactly the same as the article. I love my parents dearly and hate seeing them in the financial situation they are in. They did not have the money to save. They barely made it to retirement and have worked very hard. I look at it as a way to return the favor. After all, if they had charged me room and board and clothing when I was growing up…I would still never be able to pay them back. The reality is that I too work hard and barely have enough to save for myself. It is a real issue and I am glad to see it being discussed.
This is a really difficult scenario. You love your parents and appreciate all that they have done for you etc. Yet, to support them is asking a lot. Parents “sacrifice” for their children because children cannot support themselves until they are adults. Parents are adults and have the abilty to support themselves. There is a difference. This is not saying that you wouldn’t help out if needed. But, full out support is asking a lot.
My husband and I are in a similar situation. His parents are 60 and have $0 saved for retirement. Yet, they live like they are already retired with millions in the bank. They are nearing foreclosure on their house and we have tried to sit down with them and discuss solutions to thier financial problems (which stem from living beyond their means and not being prepared). We want to help them, but we also feel that they have made their own bed and we have our own financial goals (our own retirement, saving money for our children’s education etc).
To help them out, we would have to sacrifice our own goals and do not want to put the same burden they have put on us onto our children.
My husband and I both work really hard, while his parents are out golfing with no income and no retirement. This is irresponsible on their part. Yet, for some reason we should bail them out? This doesn’t seem fair.
There is a possibility that they will be moving in with us. But, somehow it seems that we are being punished for being responsible.
My husbands sisters are following in their parents footsteps so the burden falls on us. There comes a point where people should start having some accountabilty for themselves. Even if they are your parents
I recommend you talk to your parents now in their 50’s. They may or may not listen–but at least you try to get them to save more. My mother (now 82) did the same thing me; but she didn’t take care of me when I was young, didn’t work, lived off welfare. In fact I’ve been supporting her since I was 14. I do it because it is the right thing to do–but it does tick me off sometimes. I do it because I’m a better kid than she was a mother. fyi, for those who wonder where’s the dad–he died. Life’s hard. But I do right, even if they do wrong. PS: my kids will NOT be paying for my retirement.
I have a feeling that I am going to be in this situation in less than 10 years. Other than offering to have one or both of them live with us, I don’t think that my husband and I will be in a position to do much. I have four younger siblings, and they will be even less able to help out. I have heard snippets of their retirement plans, but I am planning to talk with them about their financial status over Christmas.
If my husband and I have kids, we will be even less able to help my parents.
My parents supported me for the first 18 years of my life so I owe them at least that unlike most of the self absorbed posters here. What is the matter with you people they are your parents not strangers on the street corner or is that what you want them to be homeless indigents. You are making me feel that being from the greatest nation on the planet is a disgraceful thing.
Two points most are making, yet missing: saying parents made “sacrifices” is not synonymous with “obligations”. You have a child, you must provide food, clothing, shelter, etc. Those are not things given through “sacrifice”, therefore, one shouldn’t feel “obligated” to parents for providing those things.
Second, my wife’s folks donated 10% of their salary annually to their church (a complete waste in my book). Is this any less responsible on their part, financially speaking, than if they had blown 10% of their salary in Las Vegas each year? Why would one be more “reasonable” than another?
People who expect, or really anticipate, their children to help them in retirement, perhaps should have put at least 10 minutes into deciding whether they should have had children in the first place.
I come from a 3rd world country and I support my dad. My dad worked hard all his life to provide for my brother and I. With a lot of sacrifice we were able to get a great education. My dad understands that as a marry guy I have my own responsabilities, so he knows that I can’t go broke to help him out. Thankfully the dollar goes a long way in Nicaragua. I don’t see anything wrong with helping out your folks, if they’ve been there for you and is within reason. Its inconcivable to me that some people would rather donate money to non-profits but don’t like helping their folks.
Look at it from the older person’s viewpoint. I am 65 and am just about ready to retire (end of the year.). I have a little money and will have a pension and an annuity.
I’d rather die than ask those brats of mine for anything. One of the reasons is I don’t want to hear them patting themselves on the back for whatever they did for me. I’d have to be starving to ask them for anything.
There are four of the ungrateful things. The older girl is the best one of the bunch and is willing to and has helped. However, I have even heard that comment from her. No way do I want to be in the position of having to ask for help. I will be saving very heavily in retirement in retirement.
The reason I don’t have more : I was practically the sole support of four children. My husband was not a good provider and wasn’t really in the position to do much anyway. Boy, did I work like a dog, taking on extra work, too.
Well in Asia parents are like ‘God’ and its our duty to care for them no matter what. It’s easy here. Just dump them in assisted living.Oh it’s so materialistic. But remember what foes around comes around.Those years to get ‘indegrave’ can be real sorry.
It’s not the money . It’s the sacrifice and the care underlined by the sense of duty that is needed to care for them with a deep sense of love and understanding. I know Iknow love on an empty stomach is only in stories. So start saving for ‘em. Open a ‘parent care’ account moneymarket kind a safe and keep pumping 5% of your income atleast year after year.
BOTTOM LINE : Saving for Parents is as important as kids
I don’t think anything is wrong with parents depending on their children for financial support during their retirement years since the parents made many sacrifices for their children. One must not forget that your parents grew up in a different era and the cost of living as well as salary was not the same as the 21st century. It amazing how children are so selfish and only care about themselves and their way of life. I think it is the children responsibility to take care of their parents if they need their assistant.
What about if your parents are spending money like they are rich? Do they still deserve help? My wife’s parents live better than we do, taking European vacations, eating out, home improvement. I don’t know how they afford it. I’m afraid they are maxing out their credit cards. I’m very resistant to helping them out. Now if they did the best they could….
My feeling on this is that if my parents want the “dream” retirement then they are on their own to save for it. I can’t afford for them to travel and see the world in retirement. If, however, they need me to help support them in a reasonable retirement, I’ll do it. They’ve been there when I needed them, and I’d be there for them as well. Just like I wasn’t spoiled as a kid, I wouldn’t spoil them either at the expense of my own retirement plans.
Luckily my parents have decided that discussing this issue in their 50s was a smart thing to do. Growing up my parents always said something similar–half-joking, half-not. My parents had little opportunity to save for retirement between financing their own lives and the lives of their children. They’re not in as poor of a situation as the guy who sent in the question, but they’re not ready to retire and play golf forever. Once I grew up and became Mr. Responsible ERISA Lawyer they decided that talking to me about their retirement situation could be done in as professional of a manner as possible without the risk of hurt feelings. I gave them my opinion straight and they accepted it for what it was. We’ve come up with a plan for them that will give them income in retirement and is helping them to save as much as they can during their last ten working years. I think they’ll be okay.
At the end of the day, nothing will happen unless you can get it all out on the table in as non-threatening a manner as possible. For me it was easier because I have a professional background that they can take advantage of to help their situation. Will I still have to help them financially on occasion? Probably, but the likelihood and frequency of such occasions will decrease dramatically because of the planning we are executing now.
I think that another big problem caused by parents expecting their children to support them financially can arise when the children get married and start families of their own. I am in a position where my in-laws expect my husband to support them. The impact on me is that I feel like I have to pay far more of my paycheck than I would like toward helping out with the immediate family’s basic needs (myself, my husband, and my children). My parents have been so good about preparing for retirement, so I am lucky in that regard. Yet, it makes me sick that my husband’s parents have put themselves in a position where they are so needy because they were careless with their money in prior years. I wish that saving for retirement was mandatory somehow!
This is a tough topic. In many cases, as in mine, the parents made significant sacrifices in order to pay for all their kids to go to good schoools. My parents have $240k and a teacher’s pension once they retire, but they have little home equity because they spent it on colleges.
Without their sacrifice I wouldn’t be living the comfortable life I live now. My siblings and I feel it is our responsibility to help them retire in comfort, whether they ask for our help or not. My challenge is getting my wife to agree.
In the final call, children are not responsible for their parents lack of planning in this culture. Parents should be responsible for their children until 18, but always responsible for themselves - if they rob a bank, the child does not go to jail - if they save no retirement funds, the child is not on the hook. Maybe both will learn a hard lesson here - they may live a very poor retirement and you make sure you do not put that same pressure on your children.
Some comments posted are really sick. If your parents are reasonable person but do not save enough for retirement, their children should take care of them.
Parents do a lot to raise their children. I am not only talk about financially but also mentally. You can’t even put a price tag on that. How sick that is to say parents are solely responsible for their retirement. Without the cost of raising their children, parents should have more than enough to retire already.
I am in my 30s and I have 2 young kids. I have saved enough and I don’t need a dime from them for retirement. I will pay for their college without asking anything back.
While I agree the parent’s retirement is primarily the parents responsibility, I can’t agree with some of the selfish comments I have read here. Using these comments as a guide the parents should have spent as little as possible on their children while they were growing up so that they could sock away as much money as possible for their retirement.
Fortunately I don’t believe this is the way most families operate. Most families reach a balance of give and take through out their life cycles.
I want my parents to know they can rely on me for financial and emotional support if they need it just as I know I can rely on them for support should my circumstances change.
I, come to this country from India in 62 and my wife in 69. It is a culture thing with us to take care of our parents in their old age. Is it not better that the parents are cared for by their loved ones, rather then some burocratic government agency? We took care of our mother, she lived in our house and we had a reliable and loving baby sitter when our kids were young. I hope people take care of their families rather than government. I am sure a lot of young adults take care of their parents in their old age. It not all about money.
I understand and fully agree its parents responsibility to save for their retirement.
But one should look into the fact that why they are not able to save - is they are not savvy , they spend too much or they paid for their kids better education ( college tuition runs currently anything 25 to 50K each kid / every year).
I strongly suggest,
Help them to save more for retirement - once your more mature.
Educate them about finance, if you are more savvy
Finally if required support them , whatever way you could.
I think it’s a cultural thing with taking care of parents when they become old. I’m Asian and my folks have never said I am under obligation to take care of them. However, I will help take care of them, even financially b/c I see that as part of the social contract in my culture. BTW, I grew up in America.
Wow Rex, that’s a pretty cold set of comments.
“Sounds like your parents need a loud and clear wake up call. Their retirement funding is 100% their responsibility.
Our lives are too short to spend half of it taking care of parents who failed to plan properly.”
Frankly, our lives are too short to not take care of our family, and especially our parents. Now, it’s true enough that the parents need to do what they can to support themselves, and the children in this situation are in a difficult spot, but to suggest that you look your parents in the eye and tell them “tough luck” is about as callous as can be.
In general, people need to plan well enough to not be a burden on their children, but we can’t broadbrush it all. And when family becomes an afterthought, we’re all in trouble.
My parents sacrificed their resources to ensure I and my siblings had food on the table, presentable clothes to wear, and the opportunity for a college education. With their limited incomes, just raising us was a strain. They managed to save some but no where near the amount needed to support them in retirement. It would be selfish and self serving to abandon them after the sacrifices they made toward our success.
I have been in this situation for years now. My parent’s ran their own business but made a bad business decision late in their career that resulted in bankruptsy. They are in their 70s now. Fortunately, my sister and I have been able to help them out. We bought them a nice condo and help them out in other ways when we can. My mom still works. Fortunately she likes to work, but at some point she will need/want to retire. Complicating matters is my sister is battling cancer. Besides the devastating thought of losing her is the thought of going it alone in helping my parents. It’s a tough job.
Maureen - If mom and dad did pony up lots of $ for their kids, that was THEIR ultimate decision, kids don’t run the finances of the family. I don’t remember begging my parents to get me braces (what kid WANTS braces?), it was THEIR decision. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you have children, I feel for them as it sounds like you’ve keep a “tally” of expenses they incur while being raised, and you somewhat expect them to “reimburse” you later in life.
This is the most selfish scenario I have ever seen. Yes the pasrents may have taken their children to ball practice, washed their clothes, and put dinner on the table. But that is no excuse for an utter lack of “Personal Responsibility”. Believing that you are owed this by your children or relying on hand outs sets a poor example for your families and your legacy. The last thing I want to be known for after I am gone was for being a burden on my family.
Take a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, delay social security as long as possible, and live with the means that “YOU” have provided for yourself. You reap what you sow.
This is Rachel again. My parents immigrated here from China. I owe them a lot for giving me the opportunity to grow up in America. Maybe it’s a cultural difference between Chinese families and American families on our duties to our parents?
Sounds like your parents need a loud and clear wake up call. Their retirement funding is 100% their responsibility.
Our lives are too short to spend half of it taking care of parents who failed to plan properly.
Your parents aren’t talking about you mowing their lawn, taking out the trash or fixing a leaky faucet when they get too old.
I really don’t understand how adults can work their entire careers, save nothing, and expect to retire.
Social Security might provide enough to buy food, but how will you live a life you enjoy in poverty? How will they pay for home / car repairs? How about medical bills? They say medical bills for a couple at retirement age will reach in excess of 200K. That isn’t fun money…that’s basic medicine for seniors.
They need to start saving or face the real possibility of living in poverty.
I’m only seeing one side here. Possibly the reason Mom and Dad have so little moneu saved up is because they spend it all on raising their kids, paying for their sports and straightening their teeth.
Your correspondant doesn’t mention anything about how much money his parents have any how much money he thinks they should be saving.
There are reasons that people are often reluctant to discuss money with their children and it’s attitudes like this that top the list.
I’m in a similar situation and my parents are in their mid-60s. My father says that he plans to work for the rest of his life because he enjoys it. Still, who knows how long his health will hold up? What do you do if your parents are unwilling to save more money? I’m an only child and wish I could change careers, but I feel like I can’t because I need to take care of my parents someday.
Walter Updegrave is a senior editor with Money Magazine and is the author of "How to Retire Rich in a Totally Changed World: Why You're Not in Kansas Anymore" (Three Rivers Press 2005).
Wow. Some of the comments here are really really cold.
There are really two questions here:
Are you obligated to take care of your parents’ retirement?
Should you help take care of your parents retirement if their plans run out?
Are you obligated to take care of your parents’ retirement?
Clearly the answer is no. You are not responsible for them.
Should you help take care of your parents retirement if their plans run out?
There is no clear answer here, but there are a number of contributing questions that also need to be answered.
1. Are you CAPABLE of assisting your parents? Don’t misread this question as “Is it EASY for you to help?” - which is very different. If you are incapable of helping, then you and your parents need to look for another option.
2. Will caring for your parents put undue strain on your (own) family? Read this question this way:
2a. Will mom’s moving in make your spouse want to move out?
2b. If Grandpa’s a drug addict, gambling addict, etc., and he moves in, does this create an unhealthy environment for raising kids?
2c. Are there other factors that will turn this into an unhealthy arrangement?
If no to all of the above, then move on….
If you’re still reading on, then you’re in a position where you CAN help. The question is, do you want to? I believe that you should.
You can’t make blanket statements of “if mom’s/dad’s money ran out, then it’s his/her fault and they should be on their own.” That doesn’t work. There are a thousand ways they could have gotten to that point. Some his/her fault, some not so much.
Did they gamble it all away?
Did they get addicted to prescription drugs?
Did they invest their 401k poorly?
Did they outlive their money?
Did they work their entire lives for Enron?
Did they answer that email for the Nigerian president’s son who wanted to transfer money?
Did they buy an ostrich farm?
“Blaming” someone without any consideration to how they got there isn’t any more fair than expecting to live with your kids until you die without discussing it with them.
Bottom line: If you’re unable to help, you’re unable to help.
If you’re able, exercise a little compassion.